A Sunday Stroll, A Walk With God: Part 2

And so the stroll begins!

Deep sighs as I start to think of all the questions swimming around in my head.  

What is my life to be like?

Where am I to live (it's time to move from Jersey)?

How can I afford it with what I am currently making?

How can I run my business if I have to take on another job on top of my current job...that would be 3 jobs???

Why am I not worth more?

Is this all I am to make?

Why can't I have a nice home, in the city I love, with working appliances, a kitchen I can use, and a peaceful surrounding???

How do I take the next step?

What is the next step?

Why do I have this skill if I am not meant to flourish with it?

Why am I so driven?

Why? Why? Why???

I imagine God takes a deep sigh, swallows a giggle as he listens to these truly deep felt questions.  They are very real concerns and as a human I just don't have the answers.

All I know is that I don't think I am wanting too much for my life but I do think/know I DO want more!!! And I am absolutely worth it all!

So I breath, and step into NYC and head towards the park.  I feel so good on this island, so at home...why am I not here?  Why can I not afford to live here? That seems crazy...millions of people live here there must be a space for me...I truly believe there is!!! 

I ask for a new journal (when I am feeling like this I need a fresh book to start a fresh outlook)...but no bookstores along the way??  And then...the Folk Art Museum shows up and in their gift store I happen to find just what I need...a little book of blank pages with a cover picture of a monkey holding a rose with a butterfly on top! So fitting...(I am the year of the monkey, my business is making rose hats, and do you remember before I left Maui...the whole butterfly story feeling like a Caterpillar in the cocoon but then coming out the Butterfly that flew all the way towards Her Dream!?!?)  Well, I do!  And this little book was less than $5...SOLD!!!

I turned the corner and strolled straight to the park where I came across this site!

 Autumn in New York, SNOW in Central Park...Dreamy!!!

As I stroll my over whelming feeling is pure joy!  I am SO happy I am here, now, able to see, feel, experience THIS!!!  

THIS IS why I came...because I have always wanted to experience this.  Then God shows me his art.

I am filled with gratitude that this IS my home and I get to be here any time I want and this experience is for me!

I feel a sense of comfort as I leave the beauty and nest of Central Park and head down my familiar Fifth Ave.

I walk past Bendel's and think...I won't or will I ever be in this store???  I know that God has something even more amazing in store for my business...more amazing than Bendel's???  WOW...I look forward.

I feel blessed and rather satisfied but not completely fulfilled with all my ponderings.  I know that TRUST is the answer so I keep walking.

I then find myself in front of a huge and beautiful classic NY church.  Saint Thomas Church on Fifth Ave.

Oh how I wanted to go to church today but 11 am in the village is hard to reach from Jersey City.  I wish I could just go inside and pray.

And then...God answers that prayer!!!  At 5:30pm that eve there was to be an organ concert...what time is it I wonder???  5:09pm!!!  I head in.

O.M.GOODNESS!!!  This church is even MORE amazing on the inside!!!

I find a spot, settle in, pray a prayer of gratitude for what I am experiencing and then am blown away as the organ starts...the organ that is over a story high!!!

I pull out my new blank book and pick up a hymnal.  I start to read hymns as the organ concert proceeds.  And then I start realizing that God is speaking directly to me through these hymns.  These are the following messages I received, gratefully:

Sometimes I feel discouraged

and think my works in vain, 

but then the Holy Spirit 

revives my soul again.  

If you can not preach like Peter,

if you can not pray like Paul,

you CAN tell the love of Jesus

and say "He died for all."

Teach me my God and King,

in all things to see,

and what I do in anything,

to do it as for thee.

Almighty God your word is cast

like seed upon the ground.

Now let the dew of heaven descend

and righteous fruits abound.

Ye fearful saints, fresh courage take,

the clouds ye so much dread

are big with mercy and shall break

in BLESSINGS on your head

His purposes will ripen fast unfolding every hour,

the bud may have a bitter taste but sweet will be the flower.

Word of God come down on earth 

Living rain from heaven descending

Touch our hearts and bring to birth

Faith and Hope and Love unending.

If thou but trust God to guide thee

and hope in him through all the ways

he'll give thee strength 

whatsoever betide thee

NOW...yes these are truly old school hymns but WOW oh WOW how poignant the timing and the message to me and my personal trial.  This final one really says it all and I left the church, the moment, completely satisified with the answer I received.  

Read on...you'll see!

How firm a foundation ye saints of the Lord

is laid for your faith in his excellent word

What more can he say than to you he hath said,

to you that for refuge to Jesus have fled?

"Fear not, I AM with thee; O be not dismayed!"

For I am thy God, and will give thee aid.

I'll strengthen thee, help thee, and cause thee to stand

upheld by my righteous omnipotent hand.

"When through the deep waters I call thee to go,

the rivers of woe shall not thee overflow;

for I WILL be with thee, thy troubles to bless

and sanctify to thee the deepest distress."

When fiery trials thy pathway shall lie,

my grace all sufficient shall be thy supply

the flame shall not hurt thee I only design

thy dross to consume and thy gold to refine.

AMEN!!!

I hope this has been a blessing to you.  It has richly blessed me.  I still don't have ever answer but I do know I am absolutely on the right path, going in the correct direction and refined to be the very best I am put on this earth to be.

Be blessed this week and watch for the voice of God as you are guided in each and every step.  Taking a moment to sit back and reflect on this presence has made the most amazing difference.

Happy Autumn!!!

A Sunday Stroll, A Walk With God: Part 1

Yesterday, Sunday October 30,2011 I woke up weary...cozy but weary.  

I had experienced "quite" the week!!!

Diligently I had prepared for a chance to possibly woo the buyers of a store I love on Fifth Ave. to go into relationship with my business.  Myself and about 300 other designers of various accessory categories.


I was incredibly prepared, more so than any other time in my life as a designer.  I was balanced, I was ready!!!  And I showed up in very chilly weather, but I was prepared for that too!


I had my few minutes with the buyers and they DID like my product...however...they didn't have room for it.  The hat dept was full and so with that I graciously thanked them for their time, packed my gals and headed to a pub for a brew and a shepherds pie (of which I ate the whole serving!)

I then headed to one of my places of refuge...as my friend Stephanie calls it fittingly  so: Beloved Central Park.  And it is!!!


It was very chilly, windy but dry...I was in a daze still because even though I feel satisfied by what I am doing I still feel lost.


This can't be it?  It just can't because it's not that great!  It's okay, and I have the basics but many days I don't even have those.


I blur-rily strolled along knowing I had to announce to the masses the results of the event.  Best friends awaited chats, current bosses and co-workers in the industry would want to know, all the supporters who diligently pray for my world deserved to know and it was time for a choice... Find the positive for the moment.


I did...I do.  It WAS positive...the results really are yet to be fully discovered.  And I AM prepared and ready!!!


I in a daze went and bought a down comforter and flannel sheets before taking the numerous trains back to my current home, made the bed, and fell into a deep sleep.


On Saturday I went to work (and I wish I didn't have to).  Emotionally I was raw and drained, highly sensitive and would have liked to stay hidden under that great big down blanket...but I geared up and took off to buy a pair of all-weather boots prior to work.


Good thing I left early as the trains were all a mess, the storm had come in, the rain was cold and thick.  However...God showed up!


While realizing I had a 20 min. wait in the rain for a train (grrrr) the announcement came up that due to whatever there was a shuttle to the next stop...across the way was a big bus heated with fluffy seats that I was able to enter and be driven just a little closer.  Totally God!!! 


I got my boots which are fluffy, warm, and weather proof and trekked out towards NYC.  When I came up from the train platform and started walking along 9th St. I noticed something...the rain looked different...the rain WAS different...IT WAS SNOWING!!!


O.M.Goodness!!!! It was snowing!!!! I was so excited to be walking in this snow storm with the flakes landing on my tongue, my smile was broad and I was then SO happy that I did indeed have to get up so my first snow experience would be strolling through NYC and not  just at the current casa in Jersey City.  God AGAIN showed up and showed me he was watching, caring for my needs.

Now... the part I am choosing to focus on is the places I see and feel God's presence so fully is my life.  Yes, God is always there but when one is going through struggles there are times when the presence is felt even stronger.  I am indeed feeling a struggle as I start this Brand New Life.  And God is indeed wrapping his wings around me gently caressing my soul to remind me that he has this covered.  He has me covered.  Praise God for this!


So it's the somewhat little things that really aren't so little at all.


Here's mine so far: 

.while thinking I was preparing for one event, I in fact found myself prepared for my entire business.  A true stepping stone. GOD!!!


.in a melancholy daze I purchase a down comforter and flannel sheets mostly because I think I am a little sad and want to be cozy as it's getting colder.  But I purchase them the day before the 1st (and early) snow storm!!! GOD!!!

. I don't want to get out of bed but by getting out of bed I get to experience snow falling on me as I stroll through NYC...SO worth it!!! GOD!!!

. I get a heated bus instead of standing outside in a cold rain (at that time) storm. GOD!!!


.I buy my all-weather boots in preparation of upcoming weather and a half hour later IT'S SNOWING!!!! GOD!!!


Okay...I got it!  Sort of.  I am human and my human nature clouds my clarity often.


I am now at work and doing my best to be present (which I always am while there.  I am a professional first and foremost).  But deep inside me I am still soft and sad.  I know my purpose is greater than building someone else's business.  I am happy to build it because that is what I am there to do.  I love that I can be a part of growth and I love what I am learning and I feel a sense of pride when I see what I am making and when the business is shining.  That's my ethic.  

But this can not be it for me.  I am restrained.  I am pressed at times to hold back my thoughts because it is the professional thing to do.  I show up wanting to give my best but then feel at the end I gave my best then was expected to give more and feel drained and not profitable.  I am worth much more than less than $100 a day.  And yet I understand business and what this business has to offer.  But I watch around me and ...well...it's very challenging to every part of my spirit.

I leave...satisfied but mostly happy that I have 3 days to re-group.  I NEED IT!!! One dream fa-shizzled, lots of questions, time for rest.  


I get home, through a real snow storm (my first), it's much more snow stormy in Jersey and find out that we won't have hot water till Monday.  This has been an on going problem since the hurricane that came in the summer.  I fully understand the situation but living it SUCKS BIG TIME.  It's just trying for sure.  Stormy day ALL day and I can't even warm up before going to bed.


Que sera sera!


I am so fa-shizzled that sleep is not a problem as I crawl into my cozy bed.


And then when I wake up on Sunday morning...

It's a pre-Winter Wonderland!!!!


And a beautiful day.  

I realize we have no internet connection and the house is full and screw it...no shower I simply suit up and put on a hat...I am heading to Central Park!!!


For two reasons: 
1. I am hoping that with this snow the leaves are not all fallen...I am not ready to have the leaves go quite yet...please please have survived. (This marks my 1st Autumn back east).

2. I need a very long walk and a very long talk with God.  I am confused, concerned, in question.


And so starts my walking prayer.


I find prayer walking to be such an amazing time.  I often find that when I am burdened and frustrated that by the time I get from point A to point B I have seen an attitude adjustment.


This time the adjustment takes me from point A all the way to point E (at least).


(for the sake of easy reading I'll begin A Sunday Stroll, A Walk With God: Part 2 on the next post...I hope you continue...this may just be a word for you too...it was for me amazing) 


xoxox

Unwinding from the journey

It's completely late at night after an intensive 3 day push...I can not believe I have accomplished what I set out to do BUT I HAVE!!!  I am SO thrilled that by being diligent and in my own rhythm (which included late nights and multiple naps...including  a morning AND afternoon nap today alone)..well I have accomplished what I set out to do.  

I have my wholesale line COMPLETED WITH LINE SHEET days before the event (Friday morning)...this means I am clear to enjoy the next two days at the hat shop learning from Barbara, coming home and chilling out and the night before the event...I DON'T HAVE TO DO ANYTHING but watch Project Runway...no work till dawn moments....I am packed and prepared.  

Hoping the sleeping pills I took go into effect soon...but then again I am well rested from today's nap time.

What is this event???  Darlings it's Open See time yet again at Henri Bendel's 5th Ave. NYC!!! (some of you may remember when I did this 2 years ago...many of you sponsored my trek....bless you!)

So with that said...I present the following...

My Fall/Winter 2011-2012 and Spring 2012 Preview Wholesale Line:

                                          FALL/WINTER 2011/2012
                                  The Felts:

Felt Flower Cocktail

Felt Rose With Bow

Felt Flower With Pearl Buttons

The Carey Cloche

                                                       
                               The Wools:

Wool Boucle Flower

Wool Rose With Netting

                         Spring Preview 2012

Cellophane Straw Boater

Cellophane Straw Cloche

Spring Twine Red

OKAY!!!  I can feel my over the counter sleep aid kicking in!!!  I laugh as I think about a recent documentary I watched on designer Tom Ford who mentioned that he takes several baths a day (I can SO relate as Once Upon A Time in a chateau in Haiku..I DID TOO!)...I guess now I nap!!!


But it was ALL worth it!!! 


I have done my part and God will do the rest.


Good Night!!! 
xoxox

Ready? Set? Jump anyways!

I was blessed with an opportunity to write a chapter for a book about really going for one's dreams and (well... title on route).  Anyhow, I thought this was a great challenge and it has indeed proved to be one.  But today it poured out of my heart and I thought I would share this, my story (which most of you know).  When the actual e-book is completed I will definitely let you know where to get it.

For now...if you'd like, have a read (but first click the link to see a video intro - my first ever).  I am open for feed back.  This is the first draft.  Keep in mind it is an entire chapter somewhere along the 2000 word world.  A first for Moi!!! 

And I...I am having a well deserved glass of wine!

 

               READY? SET? JUMP ANYWAYS!

I certainly could not be the only one who has felt at least the first two parts of this title.

I have a dream in my heart. There it sits brewing and then stewing for what seems like endless amounts of time. I attempt to ignore it and go on about my regular living but The Dream does not like being ignored. It surfaces again and again.

I make a list. You know, the Pro's and the Con's...research I call it. The more I list the stronger my desire is to LIVE THIS DREAM...but alas I must get ready for my “job”.

While at work The Dream surfaces almost confusing me with what the task at hand is. Jotting down notes, I stuff into my pockets, I make it through the shift...what seems like barely. Once back at home I dive deep into the zone. The Dream Zone.

Now the passion is even stronger, the ideas are getting clearer, the con's are getting solved and I think...when I am all ready and set then I will be able to jump joyfully into my bliss, My Dream.

So I start the process, look into this, sort out that, how long till I can afford to do such, make yet another budget, and then another re-vised budget. My life turns into a non stop meeting of my mind, my sense, and my passion. I have less time for friends or social gatherings...I am busy planning my bliss.

Off I go, yet again to my “real” job and now My Dream has affected me to the point of feeling rather...depressed. My job is not My Dream and I feel like I am stuck. I pull myself back up by saying, ”You are getting yourself ready and set so that you can jump!” Oh yes! I remember! I pull through another week of shifts.

I start to save for this dream. Save so I can catapult. This feels like I am doing something valuable towards My Dream and my spirit feels like it is getting closer to launching. Then life steps in. Something inevitably comes up and drains the savings...you know, an emergency of some sort.

Sigh. I feel stuck yet again. If I could only have what I need so that I could indeed be ready...set...and then I would jump!

Does any of this sound familiar? Well, dear one, this was absolutely my world. I have not only been there but swam in this pool of hope for most of my adult life. I literally saw in the recent past that I was sitting on the edge of my own possibility for going on three years of serious planning (that after about ten years of dream drifting).

One day I realized that if I continued to wait until everything “looked” proper so I could “back” myself up for taking a chance (in my own and others eyes), well the realization was I'd still be sitting in that room drawing lists and expressing hope instead of sitting here now, writing about how I jumped and have never looked back!

The only story I have is my own. My reason for telling this is that perhaps it will inspire you to jump off and live your own story. So here goes...

I'll start with My Dream. My Dream is to make fabulous hats and art all while living in New York City where I meet the man of my dreams and we live happily ever after in deep and true love. While in New York City I dreamed of taking classes to learn classic hat making and blocking. I have been designing and making hats for twenty years. I am self taught and I did not know how to block (a hat term) a classic hat.

I have always had a love affair with New York City. I dreamed of walking through Central Park, having a coffee in the village, shopping along Fifth Ave., mixing with the Fashion movers and shakers...truly growing my business in the heart of the fashion business.

As stated above I have been designing hats for two decades. I am an artist. I paint, create, and creatively live. That is just me. I also love business. This is one of the unique parts of me. Business Person and Artist...not always a sure mix. For me, it's who I am. I simply love both.

Now my launching point was the beautiful island of Maui, Hawaii. I lived on the north shore in a wonderful home, on a great property, three dogs and a cat that belonged to the landlord but adopted me daily, 400 square feet of artist's space that I could paint, re-arrange (and I did over and over) and two and a half acres of lawn and trees. Aaaaaaaaah. Lovely.

My island home

The pups

               

Mi casa!

Here I created collections of hats, painted paintings, held soiree's and events where I sold my works in this divine space in paradise. I had a circle of wonderful loving friends and supporters. Life was good. Very good.

Besides being creative in my home studio I also held a job. My inner entrepreneur struggled that I was working for someone else – which I now realize is silly, but at the time was very vibrantly in my spirit.

My job was about a five minute drive from my home which I enjoyed as I cruised in my convertible Miata I named Daisy.

Driving Miss Daisy!

 I was a manager at a small country grocery/gas store (absolutely nothing fashionable about this). The job had a title, paid just enough to get by, had some benefits and some thought it was the best job this artist/dreamer ever had (I wasn't one of the some).

So I made lists...NYC how to get there, etc. I talked about it, cried about it, did everything I wrote in the first few paragraphs of this chapter...literally.

I also prayed. A lot. I kept asking for a sign. To hear that still, small voice say “now.” I retreated often, just into my space, but went into deep heartfelt sessions where The Dream got clearer and clearer all while still trying to get ready and set so I could/would jump.

  

 

Well I can truly say that all of that time spent making lists and inner prep was indeed useful and I highly recommend truly listing your options. It clarified for me what My Dream actually was. Like peeling an onion they say and it was. I peeled and peeled and got down to the heart of it all.

Problem was I was drowning in the real world. I was starting to hate my job because it wasn't My Dream. As I got closer to the heart of My Dream I realized it was indeed me and I honestly had a hard time living life in the regular way I had been living it (which for some was steady, balanced, beautiful). For me it felt stifling, suffocating, unbalanced, and hopeless. I realize it wasn't for many, but for myself, My Dream, had become such a power in my life and it wanted to be actualized as my reality.

It all happened for a reason. For one day what seemed to some as a dreaded horror of horror's happened and for me it was a champagne moment (literally).

I had gotten to a place where I was going to jump...it was time, period. I sat down with my boss at the time and told her that I was ready to give her a two month notice (because in my planning I had budgeted out that two months would be enough to squeak me into my new life). She said to hold on and in two weeks she had an announcement. The universe had other plans and squeaking by was not the plan.

Let me tell you those two weeks were torture. Here I am feeling and knowing I had climbed the mountain of my life and walked through the crossroads, I had stepped to the edge of the cliff, I was on the tips of my toes, one foot off the ground, leaning forward, arms stretched out BUT stuck in this position for two weeks till I heard whatever she had to say to all of the staff.

Sigh. It was painful in the spirit. But something told me to buy champagne that afternoon when I went to work...so I did. The entire staff was stressed out as we waited for “the meeting”. I was full of glee and had to actually contain myself from smiling like the Cheshire Cat through it all. We all sort of knew what was happening and I was very excited.

My boss was leasing her store, a sign of the times. There was a choice: apply to the new lease holders to possibly be re-hired to your position OR apply for unemployment. It was embarrassing how I had to keep myself from squealing with delight.

Darlings, I had my out!!! I was prepared, I saw opportunity disguised as something else and I took it!

Be assured I was not set. I had no savings and unemployment benefits would certainly not be much and it really wasn't about that...it simply was my sign.

I came home, popped the cork, lifted the glass, smiled, sipped and jumped off into My Dreams. Nothing holding me back, it was time to take a chance.

That's what crossroads are for my friend. The opportunity to try a new direction and this time my direction was/IS My Dream.

Dream ~ January 2011

Reality! ~ May 2011

I booked a ticket, packed my life, sold and gave away the rest, stored very little on Maui, and headed to spend a month with my family in Arizona. I celebrated my birthday and two days later I was aboard the plane on route to New York City. Well, Jersey City, New Jersey actually. I had a friend there and rented a room from them which is just cross the river from my destiny.

It doesn't stop here. This was simply the jumping off point, truly. Check out what happened immediately upon arrival.

I actually have to back it up a bit to the night I purchased my plane ticket while in my Maui home. While waiting till midnight for the fares to change I thought I would peruse Craigslist and see what types of work were available for this hat-making-artist-living-her-dream-gal. I could not believe my eyes. There on the list was a title for: Millinery Production and Sales.

Millinery Production and Sales!?!? I AM a Milliner (that is what hat makers are called!) and I am excellent in sales (that is what I do)!

So I sent an email...it was February and I wasn’t going to be in New York until May but how could I deny that this job was totally me and I just wanted to introduce myself and hope we can meet when I arrive (pretty much what I wrote).

I didn't know if I would get a response. It's New York after all and everyone is so busy,etc. However, later the next day I did get a response...yes, stop by when you get here, you never know. Great!

So fast forward to my first official day troll-oping through New York City and telling my new housemate this story and how I am planning on visiting the store next week when I am settled. Just to introduce myself and see. On my second evening, pretty exhausted from traveling, I went to Craigslist, again just to see what jobs were listed...you know, new life, new job. Low and behold, just posted that day: Millinery Production and Sales.

Really? Really! Four months later posted again! Of course I know whose company this is so I head to my email to say..it's me! When I get to my email there is one waiting for me saying “Did you come to NY?” from the hat company!

Now the amazing part about this is that there are not a lot of hat makers out there, let alone hat companies, let alone hat companies needing hat makers and here I am, a hat maker...well I am certain you understand the brilliance of this.

It's Dream Power or as I refer to it God working gracefully in my life.

So I met the hat maker the next day, was asked to come as an intern unpaid for three weeks but I would be learning, get this, blocking (what I came to NYC to learn)! So while no money would be exchanged I wouldn't be paying for my education...free education! Okay!

I started work two days later. At the end of the first day the store had the highest sales in its recorded history and my new boss insisted on paying me starting that day.

I have now gone from a free education to a paid education working in the East Village in New York City and four months later from that day I received a raise.

My first blocking

Just a quick review. I am now working in my preferred field, in my preferred city, doing what I love, what I am excellent at and being promoted while doing this, as well as, learning new skills each day I am there. All this within three days of arriving to the east coast. All because I did indeed jump.

A place of blessing I have heard it called. Having the simple faith to trust that I will be more than okay to stretch out and take a step into what brings me passion and vibrancy...I am living proof that indeed even if you are not fully ready, nor totally set, you might as well jump anyways...your life just may open up and give you a great big kiss.

Mine most definitely did.

I truly hope that you will take those chances that happen in life and claim them as your own crossroads into your very own absolute bliss. Be the beautiful Dream that you have deep in your heart. You will glow.

I do daily.

  Oh yes...remember My Dream?

A day in Central Park

                    

     Coffee in the village

                               

Out with the Fashion Makers! Tiffany's 5th Ave.

 

Katherine Living Her Dream ~ NYC 2011